My doggie Piffy - a feel-good video

Editor Kitteh has spoken...

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Writerz Blox

I don't has it, but thought this was cute:



This kitty needs THIS kitty.

Writing funnies...

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

________________________________________________________________

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

---

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

---

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does it *have* to be changed?

How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.
_________________
Scooped from here.

Funniest Analogies...

This is from an email I received. I thought it was too cute not to share. The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you

think?

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Another cure for writers' block

see more crazy cat pics

Word Meanings

The Washington Post published a contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. Here are the winners:

1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

3. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

4. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

5. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

6. Dopeler effect (n.), The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

7. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

8. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run

over by a steamroller.

10. Foreploy (n.), Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

11. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

12. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

13. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

14. Glibido (n.), All talk and no action.

15. Hipatitis (n.), Terminal coolness.

16. Ignoranus (n.), A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

17. Inoculatte (n.), To take coffee intravenously.

18. Inspissator (n.), one who inspires covert micturation.

19. Intaxication (n.), Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

20. Karmageddon (n.), It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

21. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

22. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

23. Osteopornosis (n.), A degenerate disease.

24. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

25. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

26. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

26. Reintarnation (n.), Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

27. Sarchasm (n.), The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

28. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

29. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

30. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Isolated and schizophrenic...

You're The Poisonwood Bible!

by Barbara Kingsolver

Deeply rooted in a religious background, you have since become both
isolated and schizophrenic. You were naively sure that your actions would help people,
but of course they were resistant to your message and ultimately disaster ensued. Since
you can see so many sides of the same issue, you are both wise beyond your years and
tied to worthless perspectives. If you were a type of waffle, it would be
Belgian.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Thanks to Michelle Rowen for the link.

Speaking of words...

What these words really mean:

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

LOLCat funny

Courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger?

Don't forget to drop by Monday for guest blogger Murray Suid on the connection between words!

Have a great weekend, folks!

Guest blogger coming July 23rd!

Murray Suid, author of Words of a Feather, will be guest blogging on Monday, July 23. Words of a Feather explores the connection

between words. Since writers live on words, I think it will be a lot of fun to learn more about them. The book is a zany, fact-filled collection of dual etymologies. So, if you have any questions about the root of a word or the connection of words, now’s your chance to ask an expert!

“Words of a Feather probes the shared histories of word pairs such as ‘adversary’ & ‘advertisement’ and ‘cosmos’ & ‘cosmetics.’ It transforms the science of etymology into a fun and powerful vocabulary-building game.

“It also goes beyond the peculiarities of linguistics to provide practical advice on a variety of subjects. For example, the ‘thank’ & ‘think’ entry gives a mini-lesson on how to make kids smarter while polishing their manners. The ‘anger’ & ‘angina’ mini-essay might actually save a few lives – or at least bring on a few smiles.”

Click here to check out an excerpt.

Murray Suid is the author of more than two dozen books including How to Be President of the U.S.A., Demonic Mnemonics, and The Kids’ How to Do (Almost) Everything Guide. A former writing instructor at San Jose State University, he developed content for software products including Oval Office and Launch: the New Millennium Business Game. A screenwriter, he recently started Point Reyes Pictures, an independent movie company.

Fun stuff to do

Some fun stuff to do that might help your muse or craft along… or just help pass the time of day.

Play with words
http://www.golivewire.com/magnets/

Take some personality tests
http://testdex.com/personality_tests.html

One sentence stories
http://www.onesentence.org/

Very Short Stories
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords.html

Have a read about arts and letters
http://www.aldaily.com

Create a story with Myths & Legends Story Creator
http://myths.e2bn.net/story_creator_beta/

Take some (free) courses to improve your writing
http://www.newsu.org/

8 Things Meme

I've been tagged by at least 4 people for this meme, so I thought I'd better participate.
Thanks to Kalbzayn, Bonnie Staring, Becca Furrow, and Lady Tess (if I've missed you, I'm sorry).

8 Things About Me

1. Like Bonnie, but unlike Mike, I like salted licorice – love it actually. It may have been my first solid food. (I’m Dutch)
2. In fact, I’m not a sweets or chocolate person, and will go for savory every time. I also love cottage cheese with salt and pepper added. Or with fruit. Or with lettuce on a sandwich. (The Dutch also put everything on sandwiches)
3. Two years ago, I lost 40 pounds and it’s all back on. My doctor says I’m lucky I didn’t go over my original weight because that usually happens with fad diets. Perhaps I should give up the savories and the sandwiches. In all fairness, I should mention I didn't stick to the 'maintenance program.' If you follow a diet, take my advice, stick to the maintenance program.
   
4. I have no children, just three furry babies – 2 cats and 1 doggie.
5. I was obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for years and years. I have a large collection of coffee table books and a few original magazines with her on the cover. (Looking for a buyer for this collection, btw)
6. I have a hot tub on my rooftop deck.
7. I started several novels while in elementary school and managed several hundred pages (in total – I haven't finished a manuscript yet *sigh*).
8. I once produced a song (that I wrote and sang called ‘Inundation’) with Brent Bodrug (I paid him) – who has worked with artists such as Oscar Peterson and Alanis Morissette. But, don’t let that fool you into thinking it was any good… I wince when I hear it now (because unfortunately some family members got a hold of some cassette tapes).

I'm not going to tag anyone specifically. If you read this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged. Let us know about it in comments.

Happy Thursday all!

Good Lord!

If I were a book, I'd be:

You're Lolita!
by Vladimir Nabokov
Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real. Please stay away from children.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

To know me is to love me.

Monday is business in your bathrobe day

Meet Spice Author Jina Bacarr, author of The Blonde Geisha and Naughty Paris:



http://www.businessinyourbathrobeday.com/
http://www.webmomz.com/

Humpday Hunk

Sean Patrick Flanery

Powder is one of my favorite movies. But, really folks, can this be the same guy that played Powder??? To boot, he's credited with more than 66 shows and films! No actor's block there.

Speaking of blockages, check out this post on hacks for writing.

Ready for Christmas?

As illustrated by my dwindling posts, I am busy with Christmas and wrapping up year end deadlines at work. I'm actually ahead of the game in terms of shopping... I often leave most of it till the last minute. I'm also in the spirit this year, which feels nice. You ready for Christmas?

Christmas Shopping
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" ~ Dave Barry

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Play Evil Elves

So you think you're good with words?

Let's just see how good you really are!
**evil laugh**



Also, link of the day:
"Write Now Is Good."

love and writing types

Cairo loves Piffy.

My Dad created this picture from two photographs. I just think it's so cute.

And, thanks to Lynn over at A Jolt of Reality for this one:

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart. You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer... And while you may be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories. As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Ha ha! Big surprise.

What about you? What type of writer should YOU be??

Do not press the red button

Get more games like this at ArcadeZip!